SOCIAL ANXIETY:
HOW TO DEFEAT THE DREAD OF PARTY SEASON
Christmas comes but once a year, and its many parties fill some with fear
A s December draws to a close, so too does party season. Whether it’s the office Christmas party, a Yuletide family get together or New Year’s Eve, the idea of socialising fills many people with dread. If all the parties over the festive period stressed you out, the first thing to say is you’re not alone. Of course, there’s a spectrum of severity, but feeling nervous about socialising is incredibly common.
The reason for this is the way we evolved. Throughout our ancestral history, humans needed to work in groups to stay alive. That’s why we’ve developed instincts to care a lot about social stuff, why we’re so concerned about things like reputation and status, and why we dread making a fool of ourselves or being left out.
But don’t forget, social occasions are an opportunity, not just a threat – they’re a chance to forge shared memories, bond and have fun together. So as an initial step towards alleviating your anxiety, try boosting your hopefulness about these events. For example, remind yourself of occasions – however rare they might be – when things went well and you had a fun time or you made new friends.
Next, from a practical perspective, one of the most effective ways to reduce your social anxiety is to be a little strategic and proactive. So rather than waiting for the obligations to roll in and letting them hang over you like a dark cloud, be clear about which ones you really want or need to go to.
If there are friends you’d love to go with, don’t wait for them to ask you – reach out and make it happen (they’ll probably be thrilled to hear from you). If you struggle with small talk, don’t be afraid to do a little prep – get up to speed on the latest current affairs or sports news, so that you’ve got some material at hand to lighten those initial interactions.
If you’re quiet by nature and don’t socialise much during the rest of the year, it can be helpful to use so-called ‘if-then plans’ so that you don’t freeze or feel overwhelmed when you first walk into the room. For instance: if I’m feeling stuck for conversation, then I’ll ask the person next to me what they think of Elon Musk taking over Twitter; or, if I’m feeling left out, then I’ll look for the friendliest-looking person or people in the room and ask them one question (such as, ‘do you have any big plans for the New Year?’).
“The simple truth is a lot of people are so wrapped up in their own worries that they’re not judging you as closely as you might think”
There are some psychology findings that you might find comforting. One of my favourites is a study by psychologists at Washington University in St Louis that asked volunteers with social anxiety to rate the quality of their relationship with a given friend.
Then the researchers approached that named friend and asked them to rate the relationship too. The reassuring finding was that the named friends rated the friendships more positively than the volunteers with social anxiety – in other words, your friends probably like you more than you realise.
Here’s another comforting study that led psychologists to propose something called the ‘spotlight effect’ (the way that we tend to think people are scrutinising us much more closely than they really are). It involved volunteers wearing an embarrassing item of clothing (at the time, around the year 2000, this was considered to be a Barry Manilow T-shirt) in a group setting and then estimating how many people in the room noticed it.
The volunteers massively overestimated how many people noticed their embarrassing attire; in reality, the others just weren’t paying that much attention to them. Bear this in mind when you’re agonising over what to wear or what to say. The simple truth is a lot of people are so wrapped up in their own worries that they’re not judging you as closely as you might think.
Indeed, excessive self-focus is one of the main drivers of social anxiety. Constantly monitoring your own behaviour and utterances will fuel your nerves and, in worst-case scenarios, lead you to act more awkwardly. Anything you can do to try to get out of your head and focus your attention outwards ought to alleviate your anxiety. You could even give yourself another if-then plan to help with this: if I find myself being self-focused, then I’ll make a conscious effort to listen to what someone is saying or look at what they’re wearing.
Taking this further, why not set yourself a little goal to be on the lookout for anyone else at the party or dinner who seems uncomfortable or left out. There are bound to be people feeling that way and you could be the one to make their experience more positive.
Above all, remember that avoidance (either not going out or resorting to excess drink or drugs) never helps anxiety – it just fuels it. Like all challenges in life that we find difficult, socialising gets easier with practice. But don’t expect too much of yourself either – pace yourself and do your best. Plan ahead and focus your attention on the other people you’re there with, and who knows, you might even have a little fun along the way.
Christian is a psychology and neuroscience writer. His latest book is Be Who You Want: Unlocking The Science Of Personality Change (£14.99, Robinson).