On paper a birder might sound like a great date, with a love of the natural world, but don’t be deceived, says Dixe Wills, as all might not be as it seems…
10 reasons why you should never – EVER – date a birder
If you’re looking for a dream date who will sweep you off your feet a birder could seem a good bet. Surely life will be full of romantic walks in the countryside, observing nature or enjoying exotic holidays abroad in search of colourful vibrant birdlife?
However, you might want to look beyond the binoculars, says Dixe Wills, as dating a birder may not be as idyllic as it seems…
Why you should never ever date a birder
1. On a first date, when a birder looks deep into your eyes, what they’re probably thinking is, ‘Hmm, this one’s a Homo sapiens, a primate of the Hominidae family. Not endangered. Distribution: global. Flightless. Nice, I suppose, but do I really need to record it?’
2. When a birder invites you to a restaurant, it will be so they can observe your feeding habits.
3. In the same way that a dog owner often resemble their pet, birders can take on the habits and mannerisms of their favourite avian species. This may be quite sweet if that bird is a turtle dove. Less so if an emu.
4. You may think you’re enjoying a lovely stroll in the countryside, your birder sweetheart hanging on your every word. In reality, for the last half hour they’ve been secretly attempting to identify every single bird along the way by its song.
A good way to test this is to break off mid-sentence and begin chirruping wildly. When they excitedly burst out with, ‘Ooh, I don’t know that one,’ you’ll know it’s time to move on (or ‘flee the nest’ as they’ll put it).
5. When the dress code for your evening out is ‘smart casual’ there’s a good chance your date will turn up in their favourite birdwatching jacket. Only they’ll have ironed it.
6. You’ll never be able to use the word ‘seagull’ again because, ‘There is no member of the Laridae family called a ‘seagull’. Look, we’ve been through this a thousand times…
7. That exquisite pain you feel in your chest whenever you hug them? That’s not love. That’s their binoculars.
8. If your beloved is a twitcher, you’ll never know when that notification is going to ping up on their phone informing them that a rare bird has been spotted in some unlikely place. The news will cause them to drop whatever they’re doing and rush off to the sacred spot.
It’s of little importance to them that you’re half way through a romantic film at the cinema, tucking into the first course of a candlelit dinner, or midway through your final run, three tenths of a second up on the Norwegian pair, and closing in on that Olympic bobsleigh gold you’ve worked so hard for together.
For them, nothing trumps the thrill of getting eyes on a blown-in African pink-legged half-crested fire-eater or whatever. BECAUSE IT MAY BE THE ONLY CHANCE THEY’LL EVER SEE IT. Apparently.
Don’t believe us – here is the evidence…
9. While a long walk to a remote bird hide on a warm summer evening may make for a romantic date, you may not feel quite as loved up heading to the same location during a downpour on an afternoon in February. Even if it is St Valentine’s Day.
10. If your relationship is a long-distance one, a birder may re-cement the bond between you when you meet by performing a complex display of bowing, strutting and, finally, bill clapping, albatross-style. If you’re fond of your nose in its unbroken state, end things now.
That said, a lot of birds mate for life – so it might all be happy ever after after all!
What animals mate for life? Meet the most devoted couples in the animal kingdom